Heartbroken

I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling today.

It was my last day at the news station… my second job offered me full-time and I start on Monday. I was so relieved and happy until about 10:05. Then my whole day changed.

I’ve never been to Newtown, CT. It’s about a 45-minute drive from my house according to Google Maps, but I’ve never had any reason to go there, so I’ve never been.

The news broke into our show around five after ten, with reports of a school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary.

ELEMENTARY.

For the first hour or so, it was “one person dead, one injured… possibly more.” Around 12pm, it changed to “several dead, possibly in the teens… many children.”

My producer started to cry.

By the time I left work at 1pm, it was 27 dead.

By the time I got to my second job, it was 27 dead… at least 18 of them children.

I had to work the rest of the day half listening to the radio, half checking Facebook, and half trying to work. Every time I started to really pay attention I had to really hold back tears.

I’m absolutely devastated.. These were CHILDREN.

Little children who don’t know to run for their lives or how to protect themselves. Who don’t understand what’s happening and don’t necessarily know that the loud boom they keep hearing is gunshots and that the screaming they hear is their friends  and classmates dying around them.

And parents losing children right before Christmas…

All I’ve been thinking about all day, is these parents coming home to all those unopened (or maybe still unwrapped) gifts, so carefully hidden away from prying little eyes. How to proceed with life when the one that mattered most in your world is gone?

Newtown is a 45-minute drive away… but there’s nothing I can do.

Nothing will ever change what happened or make it better or make parents feel safe sending their children to school again.

Nothing will make me stop worrying about my niece and nephew.

I don’t have kids, I don’t want kids, I don’t even like most kids. And yet, I can’t fathom this.

I can’t imagine losing your child… I only hope no families lost more than one today.

So all day I tried to work while trying to hold back tears and emotionally eating my way through cheesy pasta, chocolate, and brownie cake.

Even now, I don’t know how to let these emotions out.

The outpouring of love has really overwhelmed me. I don’t think there’s a single page or person or company that I follow on Facebook that hasn’t offered their sympathies and prayers and condolences.

The only worse school shooting in the history of our country was Virginia Tech. And yet, these were little children.

Doesn’t that somehow make this worse??

I’m so brokenhearted and I don’t even know a single person affected. I don’t even know someone who knows someone.

But it’s like 9/11… at this point, none of that matters. We are all one grieving nation today.

Huge tragedies like this go down in the history books… they’re days that nobody ever forgets; Columbine, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma City, 9/11, the Aurora theater… and now, Sandy Hook Elementary.

 

My boyfriend and I had planned to watch “Life is Beautiful” tonight, which is only about the saddest movie ever. Earlier today, I’d started to think that a change of plans may be in order. Maybe something a little more upbeat? But now I think that it may be just what I need.

A good, cathartic cry. I’ve been holding it in all day, I don’t know if I can just let it out now.

I’m devastated and frozen.

The Life I Wish for.

Apparently, there is an entire internet full of women blogging about food living the life I wish I had.

And I keep thinking, “Just start a food blog if that’s what you want to do!”

Two big problems with that: – Actually, three:

1. I live with my mom and don’t have my own kitchen. I get yelled at every time I step near the stove.

2. I’m usually broke… makes it hard to buy food.

3. I’m fat and can’t lose weight… starting a food blog would most certainly not help.

I. LOVE. FOOD.

My boyfriend is unfortunately, the same way, and he’s a bad influence on me. Over the past 8+ years we’ve been together, we’ve collectively gained about 100 pounds.

The problem is, I care and he doesn’t.

So… I’m left with trying to figure out another way to change my life. I keep telling myself I need to start writing more, but my laptop crashed, taking everything I’ve written in almost two years with it… so I need to start over. With everything.

Daunting and frustrating.

The biggest problem in my life, however, is not my weight or my parents or my complete lack of friends. My biggest problem is money. My jobs. I work two jobs every single day. I drive to job #1, which is half an hour away, then after 4 1/2 hours, I drive back another half an hour to job number two, where I work for 3 1/2 hours, then I drive home. I get paid in peanuts at both jobs, which makes it difficult to save anything… and nearly impossible to get out of my house since the last thing I want to do is move out, get an apartment, and then snap mentally and quit one of them. Or both.

I’m really thinking it might happen one of these days…

I’ve been doing this two-job-no-lunch-break-no-vacation-time-no-sick-pay-no-benefits thing for over a year now, and I’ve been cracking for a couple of months.

And the job market SUCKS. Of course, it doesn’t help that I went to school for such a narrow field of work. Then again, I gave up trying to find something in “my field” a month ago, and have been looking for pretty much any office job (because I refuse to go back to retail) that I’m qualified for and will pay me more than I make now.

I don’t even care about benefits, I just want a lunch hour and one paid week off a year. Is that so much to ask?

I’m so miserable these days I don’t even know where to go with it… I’m sure my boyfriend is so sick of hearing me complain. Mister optimistic. Mister every-cloud-has-a-silver-lining. Mister I-choose-to-see-the-good-in-all-people.

Don’t get me wrong, those are wonderful qualities, and probably part of the reason we’ve worked out so well together for so long, but it’s not how I am.

I’m trying, though, I really am. It’s immensely difficult to change a mindset that you’ve had for most of your life, and it’s even harder to do it when you keep telling yourself that it will get better and it just doesn’t. I find myself wondering if it really makes a difference to think positively if you don’t really believe it?

I don’t know how much more rollercoastering I can take.

I’m coming clean

Fourteen years ago, I tried to kill myself. Now, after all the amazing things that have happened in my life and the experiences I’ve had…. I frequently find myself wishing I’d succeeded.
Don’t get me wrong; when they say “it gets better,” they mean it. And I do too… but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be perfect after that, either.
Life is shit, things go wrong, plans and people disappoint you, and God never comes through where you thought he would. Life is a letdown and all I wish I had was a way out… no one who loved me or cared so I could let go.
I have a bottle full of sleeping pills…. one major overdose and I could sleep peacefully forever. But, I can’t. Because there are people who will come looking for me and people I can’t let down. That greatest, easy escape is not an option for me…

More on this later.

Long-overdue thoughts (on being alone)…

So I haven’t blogged in about three weeks… mostly because my laptop died. Literally, keeled over, taking all of my files – music, photos, videos, writing, bookmarks, etc – with it. I’m still in mourning.

I’m actually really hoping with all of my heart that my computerized life might be retrievable, but I’m trying to prepare myself for coping with the loss of everything I’ve worked on for the last year and a half, which I think was around the last time I backed up (though not for lack of trying, might I add).

So anyways… I’ve been spending my time for the past three weeks wallowing in misery and self-loathing and self-pity. (Not really, but you know how dramatic I can be).

So I’ve discovered recently the reason for my fierce independence and why I enjoy my alone time so much… because it’s how I grew up. I have one brother and one sister. My sister is five years older than me and we’ve never had much in common. My brother is three years older than me and a boy.

Now, I have two cousins on my mother’s side. The older one (female), is a little older than my sister… and the younger one (male), is a little older than my brother. I have no other cousins (except for two second cousins who are about my age, but we never spent much time with them). So anyways, growing up, we spent a lot of time with my cousins. We went on vacations together several times a year, and got together for every holiday and birthday you could possibly imagine.

Naturally, the older girls paired up, as did the boys. Which left me alone a lot of the time. I spent much of my time trying to fit in with one of the two groups, but I was never mature enough to hang around my sister and older cousin, and I wasn’t a boy. No matter how much of a tomboy you are, nothing can eradicate that simple fact. Not to mention that my brother had a nasty habit of trying to beat me up and/or letting farts rip directly in my face.

So, I spent a lot of time alone with my doll (a Cabbage Patch Baby I named Jessica) and other imaginary playmates – which, according to my mother, included my recently-deceased grandfather one time when I was about eight.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately wondering how my life would be different if my aunt and uncle had decided to have a third child.

It’s kind of funny… my boyfriend loves being around people. He loves being in a group and going out and doing things and spends only about one night a week alone. I prefer to spend most of my time by myself. Don’t get me wrong; I love him and enjoy spending time with him – and I actually love being part of a group of friends and feeling included and like my company is truly being enjoyed – but more often than not, I prefer my alone time. I crave it like it’s chocolate.

I think back to the days when I had no one to play with besides my Cabbage Patch doll and imaginary friends and I get a little sad. I think about how I never felt like I fit in anywhere, and even though my cousins were nice to me, I always kind of had the feeling that no one wanted me around.

I guess I’ve never managed to shake that feeling. My whole life I’ve been convinced that most of my friends are just too nice to tell me to get lost, that no one actually wants me around. You always hear those jokes about the friend nobody actually likes. I’ve always been pretty sure that’s me. It’s probably partially because I feel that way about myself… but I digress.

I’ve never felt like I quite fit in anywhere, and it’s not because of all the issues that developed when I was a pre-teen and teenager (so many issues, so little time), but because I never really did, even when I was little.

I never had the nice clothes or the newest toys (about 90% of my stuff was hand-me-downs from my cousin and sister), and I never had great hair or nice skin. I was only thin until I was about 10 and I never had very many friends.

I’ve been used to being by myself most of my life, and while I feel that I prefer it that way (I seriously crave and cherish my alone time), it’s a lonely life.

I wish that I had more… and was wanted more.

It Actually Does Get Better

“I figure there are a lot of people in the same situation who feel like they’re alone. That’s always the worst part about having a shitty life in your teens or 20s, feeling like everyone else in the world has it figured out but you.”

“Life gets better because you’re going to make it better. Because you’ll have the power and the freedom to make it better.

“It’s incredibly difficult for a teenager in the throes of angst or a college kid knee-deep in debt and stress to see any of that. Depression is like that. It shrinks your view of the world, it chokes off the horizon… so you can’t see anything else.”

5 Reasons Life Actually Does Get Better | Cracked.com
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-life-actually-does-get-better/#ixzz286HaZkXA

I work on a local lifestyle television show and today the hosts were talking about “The Secret” and attracting positive things in your life… I really need to make this happen.

I’m literally the most negative person you will ever meet, which is probably part of the reason I have almost no friends. It’s also probably a big part of the reason I’m so massively unhappy and have so much trouble dealing with my emotions… it’s easier to push them down and fake it every day so I don’t risk turning people off even more.

I’ve tried this “change your thoughts, change your life” thing before… I’ve gotten pretty good at treating myself a little more kindly. Each time I think something negative about myself, I ask, “Would I say that to [my best friend]?” If the answer is no, I say something nice to myself.

The thing is, I don’t devalue others because of their weight or size, so why should I think of myself that way??

It’s time to change my thoughts… and see if the rest of my life follows. I’d give anything if I could just learn how to be happy.

Just blabbing…

I’ve been sitting on my ass (mostly) all day… putting off the vacuuming that I know my bedroom desperately needs… putting off my workout because I’m SO tired… putting off putting away the stuff that’s literally ALL over my floor.

So I decided that instead of browsing food blogs and spending my night fantasizing about a life in which I’m one of those people who can eat anything they want without gaining weight, I’d write. It’s at least a little bit productive… right?

I promise after this that I’ll clean my room and workout and shower.

I’ll vacuum tomorrow.

So anyways, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I need more. I need more in my life… not more stuff, but more to live for. I’m completely bored with both of my jobs, and am constantly trying to live in the future (where I’m thin and have a great job and live on my own) because I’m so unhappy with my present life.

It’s toxic.

I need to find a better mental state… what do you think? Meditation? Read more? More creative outlets? I can’t figure it out… each thing gives me a temporary (small) amount of happiness that fades the moment I have to face another day in my life.

Staying busy and productive seems to be the only way I can distract myself enough, but it’s a lot of work to stay constantly diligent… lazy days of sitting on my ass are doing nothing for me.

So here I am…

In other news, Pink tickets go on presale on Tuesday. So there’s something.