I don’t even know how to explain what I’m feeling today.
It was my last day at the news station… my second job offered me full-time and I start on Monday. I was so relieved and happy until about 10:05. Then my whole day changed.
I’ve never been to Newtown, CT. It’s about a 45-minute drive from my house according to Google Maps, but I’ve never had any reason to go there, so I’ve never been.
The news broke into our show around five after ten, with reports of a school shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary.
For the first hour or so, it was “one person dead, one injured… possibly more.” Around 12pm, it changed to “several dead, possibly in the teens… many children.”
My producer started to cry.
By the time I left work at 1pm, it was 27 dead.
By the time I got to my second job, it was 27 dead… at least 18 of them children.
I had to work the rest of the day half listening to the radio, half checking Facebook, and half trying to work. Every time I started to really pay attention I had to really hold back tears.
I’m absolutely devastated.. These were CHILDREN.
Little children who don’t know to run for their lives or how to protect themselves. Who don’t understand what’s happening and don’t necessarily know that the loud boom they keep hearing is gunshots and that the screaming they hear is their friends and classmates dying around them.
And parents losing children right before Christmas…
All I’ve been thinking about all day, is these parents coming home to all those unopened (or maybe still unwrapped) gifts, so carefully hidden away from prying little eyes. How to proceed with life when the one that mattered most in your world is gone?
Newtown is a 45-minute drive away… but there’s nothing I can do.
Nothing will ever change what happened or make it better or make parents feel safe sending their children to school again.
Nothing will make me stop worrying about my niece and nephew.
I don’t have kids, I don’t want kids, I don’t even like most kids. And yet, I can’t fathom this.
I can’t imagine losing your child… I only hope no families lost more than one today.
So all day I tried to work while trying to hold back tears and emotionally eating my way through cheesy pasta, chocolate, and brownie cake.
Even now, I don’t know how to let these emotions out.
The outpouring of love has really overwhelmed me. I don’t think there’s a single page or person or company that I follow on Facebook that hasn’t offered their sympathies and prayers and condolences.
The only worse school shooting in the history of our country was Virginia Tech. And yet, these were little children.
Doesn’t that somehow make this worse??
I’m so brokenhearted and I don’t even know a single person affected. I don’t even know someone who knows someone.
But it’s like 9/11… at this point, none of that matters. We are all one grieving nation today.
Huge tragedies like this go down in the history books… they’re days that nobody ever forgets; Columbine, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma City, 9/11, the Aurora theater… and now, Sandy Hook Elementary.
My boyfriend and I had planned to watch “Life is Beautiful” tonight, which is only about the saddest movie ever. Earlier today, I’d started to think that a change of plans may be in order. Maybe something a little more upbeat? But now I think that it may be just what I need.
A good, cathartic cry. I’ve been holding it in all day, I don’t know if I can just let it out now.
I’m devastated and frozen.